[JURNAL TENTANG KEKUATAN] ERRATIC HEART

credits: S. Pasthika

At Wednesday last week, my heart went all erratic, as if it would burst out of my ribcage, pounding so hard I could hear it in my ears. And my hands were trembling. I did notice that it was the left one that went crackling in tremor, the right one was not that…bad. I don’t know why.

I continue on painfully tedious routines. I simply jeopardized my sleep patterns, asleep at afternoon until nearly midnight, then wake up again until the next noon. It went for several days, from two weeks ago until last week, there was not any significant patterns. It happened again this week, not in regular. But basically, it was a simple oversleep. Actually, I don’t want to address these symptoms as another episode of depression, worries, fears, anxieties, whatsoever.

To be honest, I struggle to get out of my mind, that would put the triggers. I purchased nearly half a dozen of novels—the vintage classic ones: The Importance of Being Earnest and Other Plays by Wilde, The Art of War by Sun Tzu, The Count of Monte Cristo, The Man in the Iron Mask by Dumas, The Adventure of Sherlock Holmes by Doyle. Also still have lots on my bookshelf—kidding, on my floor, actually—to be finished off. I maintain to dwell on morning jog twice a week, put a timing, four kilometers in thirty minutes at minimum of times. I downloaded movies in high rating, the ones that received good reviews. I flipped through articles or anything similar.

By the way, I had managed me myself and I to open my SIAK account—that particular place which would display all of your sins committed in the past in the forms of grades and GPA. I got mine 3.65 out of 4. SUPRISING, ISN’T IT? Yea, I nearly could believe that. I checked twice, though, and turned out it was true. Yet, I did not fill up the EDOM questionnaire in lieu to view your actual grades. I don’t have the heart to. I mean, I can’t put myself to look at those blank lines where Seminar, Thesis, and Kerja Praktik are still empty. Waiting to be filled out.

It was as if written in the canvas of life, in the stars, in the constellations, et cetera, et cetera. Was that really some kind of sign? My dark humour side did mention that perhaps it was meant as a joke.

I intended to drop out of college, on my last term, just because. I would not make a good engineer, a proper one. I hate engineering even though I could swallow every single thing those people shove up my face. Hell, you could just read the books, be done with it, you received the grades, the accumulation of your painful struggle as a university student. Does it make anyone different? I could be smarter than anyone on our batch, but no I don’t want to. I don’t like them engineering, what was the point anyway.

Well, Kevin said, the point was there was no point at all.

I could be the most diligent student, I had been dancing those shoes on my high school time. And you know what? Engineering seems like trivial errands for me. Only knowing I don’t know what I want to be. In that case, life can be less exciting, less challenging, lacks the purposes and the point.

People said, just come to me if you need any help. The truth is, how could you help other people? Consolations and sugar-coated words would not bring peace to some people. Some are not the easy ones to deal with, something is wrong within their system. Some are petrified they can barely make a move. Some carry an erratic heart with trembling hands while their thoughts are rushing alow and aloft, while the silence might be killing them. The façade was the superficial one, the ripples were at the bottom of the lake.

Why are you keep saying (on social media, of course) to keep the faith, to pursue what’s worth to, to spread good words, to never give up, to keep the chin high? While, between those interval, you give up on us? Who do you think you are? Are you trying to play dandy?

Well, dude, get a life. I understand people better even at my conditions. Because at some point I want to help them though I cannot give my best.

Sometimes it was terrifying to go to bed, what if I would never make it when the sun came out the next day? I strived to stay awake until slumberness swept me off. I exhaled a heavy relieve sigh when I opened my eyes, realizing it was a brand new day to make up for everything. But, no, not really. I went back to my routines: read the books, watch the movies, find anything worth my attention on the internet, attend the morning jog when it was Wednesday or Sunday.

It was tedious, yet had kept me at bay.

It’s getting to the last January, and I’m still here, not moving anywhere. The duties are waiting for me, sending shivers down my spine. And my heart goes erratic once again, all sparkles and burning.

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