[JURNAL TENTANG KEKUATAN]: A PROJECT

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Location: Qolbu River, Mt. Argopuro

Today was a graduation day for our university: the bachelor, magister, doctor. Kinda lovely though, still, dull.

The sole reason that I took the effort to come along was well, there were two of my female friends that graduated today. As simple as that. And a senior, just finished her post-graduate program and would continue to pursue her doctorate at the next term. I bought two bouquets of flowers for my friends and a cute small teddy bear with name and toga for my senior.

They are not the closest ones in my life, just barely people. Friends, related in terms of academic purposes and been together going through college life. There was not anything special.

But, what I had in mind, was that I wanted them to know that I care.

A happiness can only be called so if we share the moments, the feelings. I want to feel happy for them because it was a historical day in their life. Graduation! The proud parents, pursuing dream, life in the making. A goddamn liberation! Halla independent will!

I have come to a relisation that most of people today do not have enough amount of care to secure the happiness or wellfare of the other people. So, yes, I still want to change the world. I want to fix the world, starting from me. I am a careful person, and thoughtful, or I have put tremendous effort and work to be. The most important thing is, I need to show the world, to other people, that there is still me, lika a rugged doll, vulnerable, tumultuous, but people can still have me then they have no one to go to.  Yes, you can lean over my shoulder, you can rely on me if you feel like so.

We live in the world when people know the price of anything and the value of nothing, Oscar Wilde told me that. Who is he? A pen pal of mine who lived nearly 100 years ago. As cynical as it may sound, you have got to admit that those parts were true. We reach out each other through the wide world web, a cyberworld, the digital sense, without feeling the need of seeing face-to-face, having the chance of embracing the beloved ones and whom we deeply care ceased into the thin air.

There are somebody who feel miserable and alone and did not know how to ask for help because they simply COULD NOT do that. And I do not want to be like the ordinary people. Yes, it has been like hell, and still is. Despite of everything, I know that I have to be better than them in handling the world and my own feelings.

It is a relieve to me that people are okay, to some extend, it does make me feel okay as well. You would not believe that, but that came from the bottom of my heart, it made me feel that I am not into ruin.

But I admit, as passionate as I am, me myself and I could be a vengeful person. And pretty destructive.

Some times I had these thoughts that destroying myself and some people I despise would be the best choice in the world. That was when I am not okay. Perhaps I could and should spare them and just destroy myself.

Today I had two recurring times when my hands were trembling. Again. It was because, I tried to figure, perhaps I was upset that no one had been looking after me even though on the other side I wish they just had not. And I was upset in anticipating people would look after me just because I did not want to.

As the psychologist had suggested, I should end every note and journal with something good. This would be:

God will help me and shall never leave me. Never doubt that.

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