[JURNAL TENTANG KEKUATAN]: TWO SOULS

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Peak of Rengganis, Mt. Argopuro, 2015 (cr: S. Pasthika)

Two souls, alas, are dwelling in breast. And one is striving to forsake its brother.

I had a dream the other day. I was in a room, there were some people, then I was aware of someone else’s presence. The other me. We went to a corner, not to attract any attention so we could talk.

I asked her to change, to move forward, to be better. She did not want to listen, she ignored everything I said. Then, she kept on babbling and talking nonsense. I shouted at her to stop because it would make me look crazy on the outside. A friend took a seat next to us, I was afraid he might take the wrong impression. Yet, the other me was losing it anyway.

It was as if, the other part of me, that is within, does not want a change. That it is better this way. Cannot see any point in moving forward.

A friend, someone I currently hold a partial trust, was asking why would not I want to be better. Because I have to deal with this decisively nonsensical stuff each day, it has become a daily routine it has worn me out. Physically, psychologically, and who knows about my mental health, I hope it is okay; so far, it just crashed the first two.

My doctor said I’ve shown symptoms of somatic. It may have been caused by my emotional and psycholigical issues that it has triggered my physical being: backpain, neck cramp, fatigue, exhaustness, frequent nausea (I feel like throwing up before, after, or in the middle of eating), stomachache. My sleep pattern has improved since a couple of days ago, but I honestly do not know how long. Some days, I could sleep at noon until dusk and stayed away until the next day, even for 24 hours; the other days, I would sleep at dusk and woke up just before midnight.

And I should attempt on establishing a plan or schedule to fill the void in my routine.

I do not know which is worse, to be overwhelmed or just be empty. Some people say, it would be nice not feel anything, stay stoic, or maybe heartless. But we cannot be sure how the void is being filled with, when we lose something and to replace it. It is not always good, light and bright, can be lovely, but also dangerous, or even lethal.

It is difficult to avoid embarrassment, self-loathing, and shame in the middle of everything. The feeling uselessness, being unwanted. If anyone can tell how long does depression last, please come forward.

I do not know until when I can withhold all of this shenanigans, without keeping up with the physical exercise, healthy food (at least once a day, I take a proper meal), and that damn medication, even the prayers of those people banging the the door at the skyline; I would not be able to stand–sit here today, making a gig out of this life. On this blog.

I have lost my appetite in writing anything so far, I do not even want to write this down since I’m just too tired like a blackhole is sucking the life out of me. Sometimes I just want to sleep. I want to make it go away, put my head back, close my eyes, and wade to the quiet of the stream. And sketching can be so exhausting and it requires good mood, as in not being overwhelmed. But facing the problems of life is overwhelming, if not exciting.

Do you like the sarcasm?

And when the cord between our hearts has snapt, I hope it would be a small comfort because it should not provide you with any illusions when these things had gone.

I hardly see human in humanity. It is hard to say that I want to give as much as I want to, as long as I have the will to, but I just cannot stand ignorance and those who cannot keep to their own words. If they deny any participation on the inferno that is bestowed upon us, perhaps the reality is too ugly for them.

When you have any thoughts, counter-thoughts, realisation, rationalisation, expectation, of the actions and decisions in somebody’s life, and what is happening in this world, that is participation.

And please, if you cannot keep your words, just do not use them. That would be lies. On me, the people. But mostly, on you.

And if you really care, you must have made any attempt to help. People have their own ways, as much as I do. But to the people in this planet called Earth, should you need anyone to talk to, a virtual hug, or maybe an imaginary sgoulder to lean on, you can always contact me, message, or anything.

I will try my best not to hold any prejudice, not because I have done the same in the past, it is because I may have experienced similar things and know exactly how it must have felt like. And if that would make you feel any better, to fuel your radiance, to make you feel important because you are, I would be there. I may not be in my greatest fits nor in the right head, but somehow clarity is just crashing in the way the cord between the hearts can just easily be snapt.

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[JURNAL TENTANG KEKUATAN]: REKINDLE, REBOOT, RESTART…

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source: Aji Tata I. (location: Mt. Argopuro, 2015)

Currently listening to ♫♪ Coldplay – Yellow (it is beautiful, I want to appreciate this kind of feeling everyday)


Obviously, I want to save myself.

I insist to resist from the destructive spectrum.

To some extend, I feel so immersed and worn out by my own thoughts and feelings. Subsequently, I am accustomed to this. I did not adapt, no, I was just coping. Funny thing, it is as if I lost my grasp on myself, perhaps the reality I should live in.

I have detached myself from this world, the feelings of other people, created amounts of barriers from the outside, become obtuse to the purpose of life. There is flaw in the system and I am no longer surprised in the bargaining for the price of being okay. It takes one little white pill, good materials to read, and interesting problems or matters to take in.

It just occurred to me, after watching this notorious psychological thriller television series Hannibal—I highly recommend this, though, motivates me to take on medicinal field— that I may have to delve into my own head and feelings. It somehow reinforced and kind of cemented the moral and value set that I have carried all my life. Being an INFJ, this moral sets are very important for me to function, simultaneously to take action into consideration. And at the same time, it took and tried to furnish them, in dubious way.

I know that it is important to explore one’s own feelings as much I refuse and do not want to, at the end of the day, I have to. Like an obligation to put a bandage on the wounds. Probably I might be pulling at the scabs later for petty reasons, but one can always yearn to feel better.

I know  that people have already begun to pick up their knowledge regarding my conditions yet I still adamant with my opinions that they may lack the need to put an action for whatever motivations they have, as much as participation they regard onto me. Maybe, arguably, I want them to take a good care of me, to look, to understand, for ay other human being it could be one of the most valuable thing they could hold on to. At least, they show gave me some insights on these matters, and I know it is true, because I can see myself in that.

And, yes, I know it does seem childish of me. But, what people have to acknowledge as well is that there are people who have this gift to empathize other people’s feelings, to mirror theirs, and to some point assume their point of view as valid reasoning. I do not claim that I do but I know as an emotional person from the start, I have the skills to empathize with others that it is sometimes getting hard for me to reflect and assume them. It can be sickening because I can feel their pain, as well as any other feelings, of course. And, surely, arguably, many people also have the similar set of skills.

But what I want to point out is that in my social circles, the place where I live in, is somehow where the people who lack those cares and skills. I do not blame them, it was a gift that was some human being born with the same as another talent and ability/disability the nature and nurture had bestowed upon us. Yet, here is where my defense mechanism even getting higher. Like building up some kind of forts. An outside barrier because perhaps to some extend I want to ignore their feelings and welfare because it may cost mine, I may recollect their pieces though the strong will to empathize and reach out to help feels righteous, somewhere between the line I feel far-fetched up. Like Bilbo said, like butter scarping on too many bread.

I have put forth my prayers to God so he would reach down His hand. Yes, I really need the help. It would only take divine intervention to keep me up, at this point. I felt so different, it maybe a great degradation of who I used to be. Though, I also feel free. Who I was and used to be is like myself being put into a cage, restrained, confined. Now, it is as if I could soar high, restless, to pursue anything I ever wanted. And, yes, I am still afraid to let go because I am worried and afraid as shit but what choice do I have?

I am only 7 credits away from getting Bachelor of Engineering. I have been weighing to apply on medical education should I drop out or ever managed to graduate. I also want to take philosophy. Or just go dormant and write any shit inside my head. I know that I still confused but at the end of the day, I have to let go.

I do not know what kind of epiphany this is but I feel the need to trackback to the point where I have been searching for God. I may not actually try my best to know and understand Him, perhaps even from the start. I thought that I already have, getting closer and closer as He would run to His creation. Perhaps it is only a wrongful justification to make me accept my condition, an effort to alter the truth to cope. But I wish I could tell how uncomfortable it is for being under my skin when I am unstable.

I am impatient, the time keeps on going, even running, rushing through, and I may chase down the train on foot in order to get better. But, then again, what chance do I have? This would not be that comfortable and unsophisticated journey to go on because I am still crawling. I feel like I could stop to take the medicine but when it is not okay, then I am not. It came back. I dirge.

I wanted to shatter the teacup and reverse the time, would I ever be able to?

I cannot quite grasp what I have been rooted in, where these all have come from, the base of the shenanigans I had to deal with, it seems so far away yet threatening, it may not real, only inside my head, but it was there. Perhaps it was just burst of my confined feelings that I have been keeping on for so long, it could be anger, sorrow, hatred, vengeance, the evil, the compassionate, self-righteous, struggle, confusion, a great fighting against, what? Things, lots of things.

I do not want to map down my own thoughts and feelings because it makes me insecure and uncomfortable, I do not want to think much of it because it stings, I need to occupy my head with anything but those, I want to surround myself with anything and anyone but those. Does not mean that I do not want any interference. I can see that my psychologist is trying to push me to go back to function, at least, as a student, it is her duty for now. The question is how could I ever move toward being a model student if I could barely function as a human being? Seeing the psychiatrist may give a little relieve when I am upset, for awhile.

But, generally, the therapy does not really work on me. Except for the medicine, it put me off. My thinking has gone slower, I eat only little, for the outcome price of not so much in explosive state and less trembling hand.

I am starting to consider if that was the case, perhaps I should cut off the medicine as well as my goddamn business with the whole world I live in. Life is unbearably boring when I could barely chew the matters I am interested with. Like, disappear completely and trying not to ever be found anymore, and create my own world and people. It would be much therapeutic for me.

It is where I bring my hatred and vengeance of the world and people that lack the effort to empathize back to life everytime I wake up simultaneously for being grateful that I am still given the chance to make amend of the shit I messed up with, cultivate them throughout the day, down to the struggle to tackle them back into the pit of forgiveness as an obligation of human being according to how I function through the set of moral value I had kept so far. It is as if it goes on day by day, it is tiring indeed, but it is not I the sole perpetrator of this current event.

Yes, I hold the feelings, feeding them up, culminate it, and put it down before I go to sleep or surrender into deep slumber. I have the anticipation, counteract, realisation of my reasoning, thoughts, and feelings. It is my participation on this battle against me and the world and the people. But it would never a battle hence the other side had never taken the participation as well. They had these thoughts of anticipation, counteract, and realisation of how I might be, through series of events, even though they barely executed of these, merely standing still, but it was, as much as it was, a participation.

Do not try to deny that. Being ignorant, as it was claimed, was a participation. If they possessed all above things aforementioned.

Is this your kind of participation against me, to bring me down, and drown me up?

Because, to be honest, as my psychologst had drawn some conlusion that I have been getting better as well as my reasoning and perception should be, I still do not understand of whatever it is that going on inside head of yours. For me, it is still a battle against me and the world and the people that lack the effort to empathize. Not only to me, but people like me, to anyone.

I know I can, I have done my part since I can remember. I know that I am expecting something in return, a little piece of consideration, but what breaks my heart the most is the blissful ignorance those people and the world hold up to other people and the world they live in, not only to me. The abandonement feelings that emerge inside of me came from the unrequited expectations, I could take that I am pretty okay with that no matter how shitty it felt like, but how could you treat the world and other people like that?

I am done with my observation that getting out to take another glimpse makes me cringe more. It is safer to hide inside my room because it is less hurting. Call me a drama queen, but as I told you I have been an emotional person even to begin with, as very receptive to others and inwardly, it has always been personal, for someone like me.

If it has never occured to you, then congratulations that you never know anything about me at all. But remember, though you did not see it, I put effort to know and understand the world and the people I used to live in before. Is this an accusation? Yes. Do you abandon the people and matters that does not fit on your behalf and benefits?

You tell me.

God, please help me in this journey to come back to You, reach down to me, and hold me back into Your graceful arms.