[JURNAL TENTANG KEKUATAN]: TWO SOULS

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Peak of Rengganis, Mt. Argopuro, 2015 (cr: S. Pasthika)

Two souls, alas, are dwelling in breast. And one is striving to forsake its brother.

I had a dream the other day. I was in a room, there were some people, then I was aware of someone else’s presence. The other me. We went to a corner, not to attract any attention so we could talk.

I asked her to change, to move forward, to be better. She did not want to listen, she ignored everything I said. Then, she kept on babbling and talking nonsense. I shouted at her to stop because it would make me look crazy on the outside. A friend took a seat next to us, I was afraid he might take the wrong impression. Yet, the other me was losing it anyway.

It was as if, the other part of me, that is within, does not want a change. That it is better this way. Cannot see any point in moving forward.

A friend, someone I currently hold a partial trust, was asking why would not I want to be better. Because I have to deal with this decisively nonsensical stuff each day, it has become a daily routine it has worn me out. Physically, psychologically, and who knows about my mental health, I hope it is okay; so far, it just crashed the first two.

My doctor said I’ve shown symptoms of somatic. It may have been caused by my emotional and psycholigical issues that it has triggered my physical being: backpain, neck cramp, fatigue, exhaustness, frequent nausea (I feel like throwing up before, after, or in the middle of eating), stomachache. My sleep pattern has improved since a couple of days ago, but I honestly do not know how long. Some days, I could sleep at noon until dusk and stayed away until the next day, even for 24 hours; the other days, I would sleep at dusk and woke up just before midnight.

And I should attempt on establishing a plan or schedule to fill the void in my routine.

I do not know which is worse, to be overwhelmed or just be empty. Some people say, it would be nice not feel anything, stay stoic, or maybe heartless. But we cannot be sure how the void is being filled with, when we lose something and to replace it. It is not always good, light and bright, can be lovely, but also dangerous, or even lethal.

It is difficult to avoid embarrassment, self-loathing, and shame in the middle of everything. The feeling uselessness, being unwanted. If anyone can tell how long does depression last, please come forward.

I do not know until when I can withhold all of this shenanigans, without keeping up with the physical exercise, healthy food (at least once a day, I take a proper meal), and that damn medication, even the prayers of those people banging the the door at the skyline; I would not be able to stand–sit here today, making a gig out of this life. On this blog.

I have lost my appetite in writing anything so far, I do not even want to write this down since I’m just too tired like a blackhole is sucking the life out of me. Sometimes I just want to sleep. I want to make it go away, put my head back, close my eyes, and wade to the quiet of the stream. And sketching can be so exhausting and it requires good mood, as in not being overwhelmed. But facing the problems of life is overwhelming, if not exciting.

Do you like the sarcasm?

And when the cord between our hearts has snapt, I hope it would be a small comfort because it should not provide you with any illusions when these things had gone.

I hardly see human in humanity. It is hard to say that I want to give as much as I want to, as long as I have the will to, but I just cannot stand ignorance and those who cannot keep to their own words. If they deny any participation on the inferno that is bestowed upon us, perhaps the reality is too ugly for them.

When you have any thoughts, counter-thoughts, realisation, rationalisation, expectation, of the actions and decisions in somebody’s life, and what is happening in this world, that is participation.

And please, if you cannot keep your words, just do not use them. That would be lies. On me, the people. But mostly, on you.

And if you really care, you must have made any attempt to help. People have their own ways, as much as I do. But to the people in this planet called Earth, should you need anyone to talk to, a virtual hug, or maybe an imaginary sgoulder to lean on, you can always contact me, message, or anything.

I will try my best not to hold any prejudice, not because I have done the same in the past, it is because I may have experienced similar things and know exactly how it must have felt like. And if that would make you feel any better, to fuel your radiance, to make you feel important because you are, I would be there. I may not be in my greatest fits nor in the right head, but somehow clarity is just crashing in the way the cord between the hearts can just easily be snapt.

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