[JURNAL TENTANG KEKUATAN]: On the Verge of Dying

credit: A. T. Irwinsyah (Mt. Lawu, 2016)

Some people may not ralise that we are facing death each day. Every single day. But people like us, we are.

If we do not survive the day, then we lose it. Either we die or we just lost.

I say I do not escape the day, I survive it. Every single of it. And people have no idea about it nevertheless.

Sometimes, I whisper, I just want to escape it. Please.

I wrote on a piece of paper, saying: I need to help myself. I have to forgive myself.

But I am the one who has to forgive myself, for who I am, and the people. If that is how the world works, then it is really an ugly place. And I am tired of it. How many times do I have to say it?

I repeat: I am frickin tired.

I want to push the ‘pause’ button. Even better, to put a stop. It feels like a sin to just give up.

We were born alone, living on our own, hence we die alone. Yet, how about to survive the day?

To die on our own seems like an ugly choice as well. So scared to die yet not so incline to live the life. Sounds like a hideous prick being ungrateful of life.

People let you down. That is the way it is. The day can be as tough as it gets.

Everytime I wake up to the ceiling of my room, the white ceramic floor under my feet, realising that I have to start the fight all over again. Going to the battlefield on daily basis, thinking how am I supposed to survive it. And I am not even exaggerating. Because more than often, it is such a vicious cycle.

I do not know who I am anymore. The way who I am and who I want seems so far away.

One thing I feel so grateful, I always forgive myself at the end of the day because that is just how God loves me. Even though people always leave you behind. I have become very skeptical although I am not alone in this barren world.

People can be indifferent, ignorant, they can be all they want. Am I the only one who tries my best, pushing myself to the edge? Even on my stage now? It requires greater effort for me to tackle the day if it does not seize me within its hand already, more than any average somebody.

I just wish some people know that. Then, to just asking, “How are you today?” can mean the world for me.

When I know, I care, I trust, I love. Do not make any words nor promises you cannot keep. It is paramount for me to let you know that I know, I care, I trust, I love, even on my stage now. But why would people do this to me?

People are not real. Even though we are on the verge of dying. Every single day.



P.S.: If you are only curious, just cut it off.



Mt. Kencana (2016)

I have found true love in this emergency, dangerous, time. I have been torn in between, in pieces, out of my flesh and my own mind.

Never thought that I would find a way back. He has been very merciful ever since I could draw my first breath. He has always been near and it was me the one that got away. And I am very much thankful that He, in His infinite kindness, leads me to the right place.

I have found the form of true love. The very essence of it is wonder, kindness, mercy, love, fear, hope, and faith. The very ingredients of a believer.

Everybody must have been on the verge of dying, at least once in their lifetime, including when the grim reaper is knocking on their door. I forgot to turn on the light in this darkest hour but He reached down to me saying, “O child, the believer you are, this is how you should have lived your life. “

This is His will. There is no other way. The only way, the sole answer.

I have been thinking that one thing that had kept me away from expiry was to have that love, fear, and hope. The very ingredients of the believer, the one who holds the true faith, as a person who believes in one God, His messengers, the Holy Qur’an, the angels, the day of Judgment (the reckoning), and the Qada and Qadar.

To tell the truth, I feel ashamed that at such moment, this dark hour, I can actually, evidently, feel His present, the love, the gift. All my life, I have been bestowed in great wonders, with infinite supply of love and mercy. But why would I come to Him covered in blood and guts, salt and tears, begging for an easy walkthrough, as if my life has always been mine all along. Because it was never ever.

I am glad that He never ever abandons me after all this time, the hardest time of my life. I said that I want to find a way back and He showed me how, as simple as tracing down the line of one’s hand. Although for me, it almost feel like on the edge of dying–I’ve never been dying, anyway, so yea.

I wish you, friends, the people, would find a way to your true love, our Creator, our Benefactor, to collect the ingredients as a believer, to gain a closer advance to Him each day. And I pray that He shall lead you in such a path that will make you a true believer as well, it does not really have to be walking down my way, but our life has never been ours anyway.

I am still in the abyss. But I am not alone, never.

When I have this fears aching and clawing my core, then I shall whisper: “I have the Almighty with me. And He’s greater┬áthan all of them.