[JURNAL TENTANG KEKUATAN]: On the Verge of Dying

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credit: A. T. Irwinsyah (Mt. Lawu, 2016)

Some people may not ralise that we are facing death each day. Every single day. But people like us, we are.

If we do not survive the day, then we lose it. Either we die or we just lost.

I say I do not escape the day, I survive it. Every single of it. And people have no idea about it nevertheless.

Sometimes, I whisper, I just want to escape it. Please.

I wrote on a piece of paper, saying: I need to help myself. I have to forgive myself.

But I am the one who has to forgive myself, for who I am, and the people. If that is how the world works, then it is really an ugly place. And I am tired of it. How many times do I have to say it?

I repeat: I am frickin tired.

I want to push the ‘pause’ button. Even better, to put a stop. It feels like a sin to just give up.

We were born alone, living on our own, hence we die alone. Yet, how about to survive the day?

To die on our own seems like an ugly choice as well. So scared to die yet not so incline to live the life. Sounds like a hideous prick being ungrateful of life.

People let you down. That is the way it is. The day can be as tough as it gets.

Everytime I wake up to the ceiling of my room, the white ceramic floor under my feet, realising that I have to start the fight all over again. Going to the battlefield on daily basis, thinking how am I supposed to survive it. And I am not even exaggerating. Because more than often, it is such a vicious cycle.

I do not know who I am anymore. The way who I am and who I want seems so far away.

One thing I feel so grateful, I always forgive myself at the end of the day because that is just how God loves me. Even though people always leave you behind. I have become very skeptical although I am not alone in this barren world.

People can be indifferent, ignorant, they can be all they want. Am I the only one who tries my best, pushing myself to the edge? Even on my stage now? It requires greater effort for me to tackle the day if it does not seize me within its hand already, more than any average somebody.

I just wish some people know that. Then, to just asking, “How are you today?” can mean the world for me.

When I know, I care, I trust, I love. Do not make any words nor promises you cannot keep. It is paramount for me to let you know that I know, I care, I trust, I love, even on my stage now. But why would people do this to me?

People are not real. Even though we are on the verge of dying. Every single day.

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P.S.: If you are only curious, just cut it off.

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